We’re walking around the room getting in touch with joy, sadness, anger, fear. It’s a clowning weekend workshop with Jayachitta. We allow the fear to manifest in our whole bodies. Then just our eyes. Looking at another, the fear in my eyes, I’m deeply relieved. For once I don’t have to hide it.
I dream that I’m sitting on the floor with others around a low table. Across from me is a man who is both Tony, my first boyfriend, and my boyfriend, Satyaraja. A huge Alsation dog walks in and lies against me. I’m scared that it will bite me and scared that it will smell my fear. I tell the man that I’m frightened. He springs up and starts wrestling the dog. The dog flies into a fury, snarling and raging. I see how beautiful the dog is and I realize that he is valuable; a pedigree. I know immediately that I have made a mistake I don’t want him to be injured. It is only habit that made me call for help. I wish I’d stayed with the dog against my side and stayed with my fear and I know I could have done that. The dog retreats, beaten, and I see his blood on the man’s hands. I feel deep regret.
