A way to change

I’m talking to Satyaraja on the phone, telling him about yesterday. About how it felt like a speeded up version of my last visit to Dublin, where I went from enthusiastic, joyful and inspired, to overwhelmed and exhausted in the space of a week. In fact it felt like a speeded up version of my whole life. I say ‘I’ve got to learn to be more aware’. He says, ‘It sounds to me like you need more metta for yourself’. I’m startled ‘What do you mean?’ I falter. He explains that what struck him was me missing a meal, cutting short my meditation. He says I can use incidents like these as clues. I’m embarrassed at the thought of working on such a basic level. But I’m excited. I don’t want to live the rest of my life with the viciously spoken phrase ‘There’s so much to be done’, driving me. And here is the way to change.